I'm A Hogwarts Teacher
by BrokenForTheOrdinary
Summary: A funny online conversation between the teachers of Hogwarts. Implied ADMM, rated for language the H word. Meant to be Comedy. Fifth year more on timeline in AN.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N - well, this is a complete piece of comedy. I don't know, I guess it could have a meaning. But, I wanted to, on a whim, set up a Hogwarts Teacher's chatroom-style fic. Can you imagine what they do behind the scenes? Anyway, it should be obvious, but Tabby Cat is Minerva McGonagall, Sherbet Lemon is Ablus Dumbledore, Snakes and Silver is Severus Snape, Perfectly Pink is Umbridge, Charmed is Filius Flitwick, Mutated Plants is Pomona Sprout, and Firebolt Flyer is Xiomara (going with that name) Hooch. This conversation is set between Dumbledore leaving Hogwarts in the fifth year, and McGonagall getting stunned. Don't know if the Quidditch info. is corecct, but... let's go with it. _

_Disclaimer - Don't own in, Don't have a chance to own it, just having fun._**

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**Tabby Cat** has signed on.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat:** Hello

**Sherbet Lemon:** Hello Minerva, how are you this evening?

**Tabby Cat:** Oh Hello Albus, I'm dong fine.

**Sherbet Lemon:** That's great.

**Sherbet Lemon:** How's the school doing with my absence?

**Tabby Cat:** The students are in an uproar, Albus... the Weasley boys turned the entire upper corridor into a swamp before riding off on their Cleansweeps yesterday.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Did they! Always the bright ones those boys!

**Tabby Cat:** Bright eh? I doubt it. Lucky, perhaps.

**Tabby Cat:** And the teachers are in a mighty fine state, won't do anything to help that horrible Umbridge. :)

**Sherbet Lemon:** Speak of the devil... Here she comes.

**Tabby Cat:** What? How do you know.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Trust me. I'll see you soon, Minerva dear.

**Tabby Cat:** All right then, bye Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed off.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat** has gone away.

**Perfectly Pink:** Hello?

**Perfectly Pink:** Anyone?

**Perfectly Pink:** If I find anyone on these boards speaking against myself or the ministry they will be... direly punished.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed on.

**Snakes And Silver:** Go to hell, Umbridge.

**Snakes And Silver** has gone away.

**Perfectly Pink:** Identify yourself, scoundrel!

**Perfectly Pink:** I'm warning you.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed off.

**Tabby Cat** has come back.

**Snakes And Silver** has come back.

**Tabby Cat:** Good one Severus.

**Snakes And Silver:** Thank you, Minerva.

**Tabby Cat:** Didn't know you signed on here.

**Snakes And Silver:** I lurk... and by the way, that little conversation between you and Xiomara Hooch was _completely uncalled for. _

**Snakes And Silver:** Both of you, as members of the Order, and seemingly educated people know that the Death Eaters tattoo is on the left arm... not the left ah- how to put it kindly... buttocks.

**Tabby Cat:** Hooch just was picturing your, how you kindly said, buttocks. It makes no matter as to where the tattoo actually is.

**Charmed **has signed on.

**Charmed:** Whoa... wrong end of the conversation.

**Tabby Cat:** Hey Filius. We were just having a discussion on Severus' buttocks.

**Charmed **has gone away.

**Tabby Cat:** Come back, I swear we are done!

**Charmed** has come back

**Snakes And Silver:** Sorry you had to endure that Filius.

**Charmed:** Eh... no problem.

**Mutated Plants** has signed on.

**Mutated Plants:** Is it true?

**Tabby Cat:** Hello Pomona.

**Charmed:** Hey Pomona

**Snakes And Silver:** Is what true?

**Mutated Plants:** Dumbledore's Army? Is it true what I'm hearing?

**Charmed:** I'm afraid so.

**Tabby Cat:** Looks like Potter did something right for once.

**Snakes And Silver:** What do you mean, right? Dumbledore is gone because of that boy's breaking of the rules.

**Mutated Plants:** But if the rumors are true...

**Snakes And Silver:** They are!

**Mutated Plants:** ...then that means that Mr. Potter taught those students more about Dark Arts in five weeks than anyone has in a year!

**Tabby Cat:** Exactly!

**Charmed:** This is a good thing?

**Tabby Cat:** What... you want them to not be able to defend themselves. You're starting to sound like Umbridge, Filius.

**Snakes And Silver:** Which is her polite way of saying get your head examined.

**Tabby Cat:** Perhaps.

**Charmed:** I'm just saying...

**Snakes and Silver:** Just drop it, you won't win against her, Filius.

**Mutated Plants:** I agree on that one.

**Charmed:** All right then Minerva, you win.

**Tabby Cat:** Thank you.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh dear.

**Snakes and Silver:** What?

**Tabby Cat:** Here comes trouble, with a capital U...

**Charmed:** What do you mean Minerva...

**Tabby Cat** has gone away

**Snakes and Silver** has gone away

**Mutated Plants** has gone away

**Charmed:** Where are you all going?

**Perfectly Pink** has signed on.

**Charmed:** Oh... bloody hell.

**Perfectly Pink:** Hello?

**Charmed:** Hello ah-

**Perfectly Pink:** Headmistress, I believe is my title.

**Charmed:** Yes... it just, slipped my mind.

**Perfectly Pink:** Well, your mind is a little... shall I say, slippery.

**Charmed:** Oh, I agree, but it does take one to know one _Headmistress_.

**Perfectly Pink:** Are you the only one here.

**Charmed:** Upon your presence... yes.

**Perfectly Pink:** The others have something to hide then?

**Charmed:** No, I'm afraid I'm just extremely unlucky.

**Perfectly Pink:** I know you are all working with Dumbledore...

**Charmed:** Working for him was more like it.

**Perfectly Pink: **I will find proof! And have you all promptly removed from your positions.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed off.

**Charmed:** Oh thank Merlin.

**Snakes And Silver** has come back.

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed on.

**Snakes And Silver:** Ah - Filius, have you survived?

**Firebolt Flyer:** Hey all.

**Snakes And Silver:** Good Evening Hooch

**Charmed:** Hello Hooch.

**Firebolt Flyer:** What have you survived now Filius?

**Mutated Plants** has come back.

**Firebolt Flyer:** One of Pomona's wretched experiments?

**Mutated Plants:** I resent that.

**Charmed:** Something much worse.

**Snakes And Silver:** Yes... much worse indeed.

**Firebolt Flyer: **What then? 

**Snakes And Silver:** Our current Headmistress.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Enough said.

**Tabby Cat** has come back.

**Tabby Cat:** Everyone okay?

**Firebolt Flyer:** Hey Minerva.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh Hello Xiomara.

**Charmed:** Look, I have 40 feet of parchment to grade so I'm cutting out of here.

**Snakes And Silver:** It wasn't all from Granger was it?

**Tabby Cat:** Severus!

**Snakes And Silver:** I can't help it.

**Charmed:** No, Severus. It wasn't. See you all.

**Tabby Cat:** Bye Filius.

**Snakes And Silver:** Good evening Filius.

**Firebolt Flyer:** See you.

**Mutated Plants:** I'm out off here too.

**Charmed **has signed off.

**Mutated Plants** has signed off.

**Firebolt Flyer:** So Minerva, how's it going?

**Tabby Cat:** Just fine, and you?

**Firebolt Flyer:** Pretty good.

**Tabby Cat: **It seems Severus found out about our little conversation about the tattoos. 

**Firebolt Flyer:** You didn't Severus?

**Snakes And Silver:** I'm afraid so.

**Tabby Cat:** I told him we both knew very well were Dark Tattoo actually was, you just wanted to picture, as he so kindly put it, his buttocks.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Oh you're making me blush Minerva.

**Snakes And Silver:** How flattering...

**Better For The Beasts** has signed on.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Here's Hagrid...

**Better For The Beasts: '**Ello everone. Anyone out there want one of the blast ended Skewrts.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Uh... no.

**Snakes And Silver:** I don't believe so, Hagrid.

**Tabby Cat:** NO

**Better For The Beasts:** Then I'm going to let them go before Umbridge has a fit.

**Tabby Cat:** Better do it quick.

**Better For The Beasts** has signed off.

**Snakes And Silver:** Would any of us really like one of those beasts?

**Tabby Cat:** He has a good heart.

**Firebolt Flyer:** All right, well, I'm out... Quidditch tomorrow.

**Tabby Cat:** Gryffindor is going to win.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Bet you're right.

**Snakes And Silver:** I doubt that, so long Xiomara.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Good evening all.

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed off.

**Tabby Cat:** That leaves us Severus.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed on.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Hello Minerva, I'm back.

**Snakes And Silver:** Hello?

**Tabby Cat:** Welcome back, Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Hello Severus, didn't see you here.

**Snakes And Silver:** I tend to be very translucent.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Don't talk like that.

**Tabby Cat:** He's right, Severus.

**Snakes And Silver:** Are you ever wrong, sir?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Every other Tuesday, during Lent, and on the Fourth of July.

**Snakes And Silver:** Unlike Filius, I have 40 inches of parchment from Granger alone, and then the rest of my dunderheaded fifth years...

**Sherbet Lemon:** Severus.

**Snakes And Silver:** I mean, my brilliant yet clumsy fifth years, who are in no way dunderheads.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Better.

**Snakes And Silver:** Dunderheads.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed off.

**Tabby Cat:** You can't blame him Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** I never said I did.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** What Minerva?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Something bothering you?

**Tabby Cat:** We just all miss you here.

**Sherbet Lemon:** I'm touched, and I miss my home also.

**Tabby Cat:** I have papers too... and it's Quidditch tomorrow.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Gryffindor-Slytherin if I'm not mistaken.

**Tabby Cat:** Yes dear.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Good luck then.

**Tabby Cat:** We need it.

**Sherbet Lemon:** I'll see you soon, Minerva dear.

**Tabby Cat:** I only hope Albus.

**Tabby Cat:** I only hope.

**Tabby Cat:** Love, Albus, I send lots of love.

**Sherbet Lemon:** And it is tenfold returned.

**Tabby Cat:** Good evening.

**Tabby Cat** has signed off.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Tenfold returned.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed off.

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_Love it, hate it, think I should continue? Don't care... just review! _

_Thanks!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Another installment. I think the only new person is Trewlany... Sybil Minded is her screename. Other than that, all is the same. This one is a little darker, but if you can look through the sadness to the humor, it's very laughable. Enjoy!_

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****Snakes And Silver** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat** has signed on.

**Snakes And Silver:** Well I have to put it to you Minerva...

**Tabby Cat:** Good evening Severus.

**Tabby Cat:** What have I done now?

**Snakes And Silver:** You have yourself a bloody good Quidditch team.

**Tabby Cat:** Why thank you.

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed on.

**Firebolt Flyer:** So when are we celebrating Minerva?

**Tabby Cat:** Oh tomorrow, it's quite cold out tonight.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Come on! Then we have an excuse to break out the brandy afterwards!

**Tabby Cat:** Xiomara! Hold your tongue.

**Snakes And Silver:** Ladies? Do I even want to know?

**Tabby Cat:** See what you've done Xiomara...

**Firebolt Flyer:** We're celebrating the GRYFFINDOR WIN, Severus. Something you possibly couldn't understand with that team of yours.

**Snakes And Silver:** That was uncalled for, Hooch. Slytherin, I remind you, held the Quidditch cup for eight years in a row before Potter came along.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Oh yes, the-boy-who-lived-to-play-Quidditch...

**Tabby Cat:** If you noticed, he wasn't at today's match. Detention, I believe.

**Snakes And Silver:** More like the-boy-who-lived-to-be-a-pain-in-my-ass.

**Tabby Cat:** Shut your mouth! _Both _of you!

**Firebolt Flyer:** Down, Minerva, down...

**Tabby Cat:** I AM NOT A DOG!

**Firebolt Flyer:** No... you're a cat.

**Tabby Cat** has gone away.

**Snakes And Silver:** See what you've done?

**Firebolt Flyer:** Me? No way, it was all you.

**Snakes And Silver:** Oh shut up... does it really matter?

**Snakes And Silver:** Minerva, come back.

**Firebolt Flyer:** I know you're there Minerva.

**Firebolt Flyer:** I'll find you tomorrow and we can celebrate, okay?

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed off.

**Snakes And Silver:** Are you coming back?

**Tabby Cat** has come back.

**Tabby Cat:** You fight like siblings, I swear.

**Snakes And Silver:** Terrible sorry Minerva, but I get tired of hearing everyone say how great Potter is on that wretched broomstick.

**Tabby Cat:** Ah... finally the truth comes out.

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat:** You know Severus, in your younger days you were very suave on the broom yourself.

**Snakes And Silver:** Please Minerva, I couldn't ride two feet of the ground.

**Tabby Cat:** You lie, you were the best in class that year.

**Tabby Cat:** In fact I clearly recall you trying to woo Andromeda Black with your skills.

**Snakes And Silver:** Go ahead, spill my whole story in front of Xiomara.

**Firebolt Flyer:** Trust me, hon... I know all your stories.

**Snakes And Silver:** Shut up... and _don't_ call me 'hon'.

**Snakes And Silver:** And for your information, I **did** try to woo Andromeda, she was very attractive. But...

**Snakes And Silver:** Black cursed my broom... and it wouldn't hold still.

**Tabby Cat:** Sad to say I knew it.

**Snakes And Silver:** WHAT?

**Firebolt Flyer:** Ohhh... the truth is revealed.

**Snakes And Silver:** Shut up... what do you mean you 'knew'... you knew SIRIUS BLACK cursed my broom!

**Tabby Cat:** Yes...

**Snakes And Silver:** And you let the wretched kid get away with it!

**Tabby Cat:** For your protection, surely.

**Snakes And Silver:** Please tell before I strangle you.

**Tabby Cat:** Look, as much as you hate to believe it... she ah - got around. By fourth year every one of my students was taken in by here beauty, in more ways than one.

**Tabby Cat:** She would only take advantage of you.

**Snakes And Silver:** I'm dripping with thanks...

**Snakes And Silver:** Good night all.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed off.

**Firebolt Flyer:** See what you've done now?

**Tabby Cat:** **Be Quiet**.

**Firebolt Flyer:** _Meow..._

**Tabby Cat:** Terribly sorry Xiomara, but can you lay off... this is not a happy situation.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat:** And it just got ten times worse.

**Tabby Cat:** Merlin can I ever win?

**Tabby Cat **has gone away.

**Firebolt Flyer:** You have a winning Quidditch team Minerva... oh look, it's the pig. That's what you're running from. Off I go then.

**Firebolt Flyer** has signed off.

**Charmed **has signed on.

**Mutated Plants **has signed on.

**Charmed:** Hello all.

**Mutated Plants:** Hello.

**Perfectly Pink:** Good Evening Madame Sprout, Professor Flitwick.

**Charmed:** Bloody hell, not again.

**Perfectly Pink:** I beg your pardon?

**Muatated Plants:** He said "BLOODY HELL, NOT AGAIN."

**Perfectly Pink:** I saw what he said. I will have you know that the Ministry of Magic will have not have this sort of perverse language on these chat rooms.

**Perfectly Pink:** And before you go all cheeky, I would consider the fact that with Dumbledore gone I hold to the ability to sack you all on a whim.

**Perfectly Pink:** Yes that's right, I don't even have to have a paper.

**Charmed** has signed off.

**Mutated Plants** has signed off.

**Perfectly Pink:** I'll start with the half-breeds like Flitwick and Hagrid.

**Perfectly Pink:** And then the dunces like Sprout and Hooch.

**Perfectly Pink:** And then the people who are loyal to anyone but the Minister... ahh yes... Minerva and Severus. Of course!

**Perfectly Pink:** Oh Hogwarts will be set right finally!

**Charmed** has signed on.

**Charmed:** Pardon me, Headmistress.

**Perfectly Pink:** Yes, Professor Flitwick. _ahem_

**Charmed:** It seems someone has set off a box of the Weasley's fireworks in the third floor corridor. Perhaps it would do you well to investigate.

**Perfectly Pink:** Ahh yes, I'll get right on it Professor.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed off.

**Charmed:** All clear!

**Tabby Cat** has come back.

**Mutated Plants** has signed on.

**Sybil Minded** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat:** How did you do it Filius?

**Charmed:** She won't be back for a while.

**Mutated Plants:** I agree with Minerva, how?

**Sybil Minded:** My inner eye sees some smart magic at work in the castle.

**Charmed:** It's simple, I put a ward on the third floor corridor to allow no one in but Umbridge, and to allow no one out. It's not impossible to break.

**Mutated Plants:** But with someone of her magical intelligence, it will take a while.

**Tabby Cat:** Brilliant Filius, brilliant.

**Sybil Minded:** See, My inner eye was correct again.

**Charmed:** Could it happen to be that your 'inner eye' just happened to be wondering down the staircase leading to the third floor when I was setting up the ward?

**Mutated Plants:** Good, very good.

**Sybil Minded:** No! How dare you! My Grandmother was a seer! A famous seer!

**Sybil Minded:** Death to you all. DEATH!

**Sybil Minded **has signed off.

**Tabby Cat:** Poor woman.

**Charmed:** Much agreed Minerva.

**Mutated Plants:** Where's Severus?

**Tabby Cat:** Please don't ask... he's in a right mood.

**Mutated Plants:** Quidditch, I suppose? Good game, by the way.

**Tabby Cat:** That might have started it...

**Tabby Cat:** And thank you, Pomona.

**Charmed:** Yes I congratulate you also.

**Tabby Cat:** Thank you.

**Mutated Plants:** I have to leave. I do hope Severus comes out of his funk, Minerva.

**Tabby Cat:** I'm sure he will, see you tomorrow Pomona.

**Charmed:** So long everyone... I will see you all tomorrow.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed on.

**Tabby Cat:** Good bye Filius.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh... Hello Severus.

**Snakes And Silver:** Are you the only company to keep, Minerva?

**Tabby Cat:** Well I could fetch Umbridge if you're so desperate to get away from me.

**Tabby Cat:** You know what... just forget it Severus. I'll spare you Umbridge.

**Tabby Cat:** Good night.

**Tabby Cat** has signed off.

**Snakes And Silver:** Good riddance then.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed on.

**Snakes And Silver:** She's not here, Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Well, hello Severus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** How are you this evening?

**Snakes And Silver:** Oh _just great_...

**Sherbet Lemon:** Glad to hear it then.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed on.

**Snakes And Silver:** Are you always so cheerful?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Yes.

**Shankes And Silver:** Good night then.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Good night, Severus.

**Perfectly Pink:** Hello.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Hello.

**Perfectly Pink:** Who are you?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Who am I?

**Perfectly Pink:** Yes... who are you?

**Sherbet Lemon:** You know, at times I'm not sure.

**Perfectly Pink:** Saint Mungo's board is two down the list.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Well get going then.

**Sherbet Lemon:** I belong here.

**Perfectly Pink:** Tell me, WHO are you?

**Sherbet Lemon:** I do believe we're starting to sound like a very repetitive song, haven't we covered who I am?

**Perfectly Pink:** NO.

**Tabby Cat** has signed on.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Oh, right then... I'm your worst nightmare.

**Perfectly Pink:** You're a clown?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Wha- Yes. Yes I am a clown.

**Perfectly Pink:** No... You can't be.

**Sherbet Lemon:** With a big red nose, and a fluffy collar!

**Sherbet Lemon:** And I even have a pinstripe rainbow suit that can squirt water from a conveniently placed flower on the pocket.

**Perfectly Pink:** NOOO...

**Sherbet Lemon:** Yes.

**Perfectly Pink** has signed off.

**Tabby Cat:** A clown?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Apparently her worst nightmare.

**Tabby Cat:** Who would have guessed?

**Sherbet Lemon:** Severus was on earlier, seemed very... ah... off color.

**Tabby Cat:** It figures.

**Tabby Cat:** I just don't want to talk about it Albus.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Whatever it is, I'm sure he will come around.

**Tabby Cat:** In his own time.

**Sherbet Lemon:** Exactly.

**Tabby Cat:** I sound like a child, but when will you be back?

**Sherbet Lemon:** It is not childish to miss one you love. As for when I will be back, I have no idea at the moment.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh...

**Sherbet Lemon:** I have to go, Minerva.

**Tabby Cat:** Oh...

**Sherbet Lemon:** Love to you.

**Tabby Cat:** And send it back doubled.

**Sherbet Lemon** has signed off.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed on:

**Snakes And Silver:** Albus?

**Tabby Cat:** He left just a moment ago.

**Snakes And Silver** has gone away.

**Tabby Cat:** Quit being childish.

**Tabby Cat:** Look... I'm sorry Severus.

**Snakes And Silver** has come back.

**Tabby Cat:** I'm sorry.

**Tabby Cat** has signed off.

**Snakes And Silver:** I'm sorry too, Minerva.

**Snakes And Silver** has signed off.

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_Love it? Hate it? Don't care, just review!_

_Thanks!_


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